A Conversation With Liz
by Humor In A Bittersweet Life
Summary: Alex meets her sister Liz for drinks after work. The subject of Bobby comes up. Chapter THREE: Goren and Eames find a way to balance their relationship ... in Eames bedroom! B/A all the way!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I have no claim to L&O CI ... Aw shucks! For my friend Liz! Love ya!**

**Summary: I read on The Reel that in the up coming season, Alex has drinks with her sister Liz ... Why? What's that about? This is my made up conversation ...**

**A conversation with Liz**

_Chapter one: An unbalanced balance_

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Help one another, is part of the religion of sisterhood. ~Louisa May Alcott**

Alex's POV

My sister Liz called me today, she knew that I have been out of sorts lately. It's usually Bobby … out of sorts, that is. Lately. It is a direct causal effect … Bobby's out of sorts … I'm out of sorts. You could say that we're a teeter totter. Bobby's long legs could hold us in a balanced state or leave me hanging in the air … I'm hanging while he's sitting on the ground … so … yeah … we're both out of sorts. _Heavy sigh …_ Anyway, Liz called today and asked me to meet her for a drink after work, I agreed. One thing about Liz, she should have been a cop, once she gets that scent … she's like a hound dog, you might as well give in or up. If I didn't agree to the drink, she would have been waiting on my door step with Chinese food and a bottle of booze … probably a better idea. I called her and made that suggestion but for what ever reason, she preferred going to a bar. I met her … we drank … we talked … superficially … at first.

Here it comes, I can tell by the look on her face.

"Alex, you seem so … defeated."

"Defeated?"

"I don't know … tired, worn down, burned out. You need a break … from … him."

"Him who?"

"Your Partner. He's draining the life out of you. Look honey, I know he's gone to hell and back and back to hell again but do you have to keep going with him?"

I take a long slow drink from my Martini … whoo … not easy on the Vermouth. I'm thinking … do I? I think maybe I do. I'm hanging in the unbalanced balance … that's how it's suppose to be with Bobby and I … the unbalanced balance. I'm in the air and he's on the ground … he's looking up and I'm looking down … that's different … considering our height. I'm speaking … ah … thinking metaphorically of course. Bobby and I are collectively manic depressive … I'm high, he's low. Okay, enough … you get it … Liz doesn't. She's thinking that I'm depressed.

"I'm not depressed Liz, I'm not tired or burned out or worn down … I'm a cop with rotten hours and I'm not getting any younger. None of which has anything to do with _**him**_."

She puts her hands up. "I think you're not telling me or yourself the truth."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Are you in love with him?"

I love him … I order another Martini. He's my best friend. I love him.

"I'm not in love with my Partner Liz. He's my Partner."

"And you would do anything for him … I know partners … I grew up in a cop's house too ya know."

"Eww Liz … what did Dad do for Tony O.?"

"He paid off his gambling debts."

"He did?"

"You didn't know?"

"No."

"Don't you remember when you were twelve and you wanted that bike with the banana seat for Christmas?"

"Yeah, I didn't get it."

"That's why."

"Well, none the less, Goren doesn't have a gambling problem."

"Sissy … he's like that stray puppy … you know if you take him to the pound they'll put him to sleep if they can't find him a good home … you want to bring him home and take care of him."

"I don't think he needs taken care of Liz. I believe he's a grown man."

I'm pissed now … I realize that she's looking out for me but to compare Bobby to a stray dog? She's gone too far. The fact remains, I do love him, he's my best friend … I am tired. I need his long legs to balance us … the unbalanced balance thing isn't really working for me anymore and my family can see that … Liz is the family spoke's women. She was sent on this mission.

I throw some money down on the table, I'm so glad she insisted on the bar, now I can leave. I ask the valet to call a cab for me. I give the cabby Bobby's address. I let myself in … I have the key and he's happily surprised to see me. It kind of reminds me of my friends that keep telling me to buy a dog … "They're always so happy to see you when you come home from work. They wag their tail and give you kisses … it's unconditional love." Oh shit … was Liz right?

"_Eames_ … how was Liz? Didn't you have drinks or something tonight?"

"Yeah, yeah. Bobby … I need some balance in my life." I just blurt it out ... as if he knows what I mean.

His expression changes, he sighs and crosses is arms over his chest.

"Time for a new Partner … okay … okay …"

He looks down … his tail's not wagging … that's not what I meant.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Should this be a best friend story or a shipper story? I won't know unless you review! Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**_For Liz ... enjoy!_**

**Thanks to all that have reviewed ... shippers were at 99.9%**

**Disclaimer: I have no claim to L&OCI or the 30 Strangest Animal Mating Habits (Bet you're really intriqued now!)**

**__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

_CHAPTER TWO: THE BONOBO_

**Mating Rituals and other Note worthy Tidbits **

Eames POV

Bobby never did move a muscle from the moment I turned the key to the moment he jumped to conclusions about me wanting a new Partner. Okay, that's an exaggeration, he did turn to look at me and he did _**jump **_to conclusions but he was engrossed in an animal documentary. As he said "… _okay … okay …" _I was about to sit beside him and explain my unbalance balance thing when I heard this …

_**Bonobos use sex as greetings, a mean of solving disputes, making up for fights, and as a favors in exchange for food. They tongue kiss, engage in oral sex, mutual masturbations, have face-to-face genital sex and even have a strange "penis fencing" ritual!**_

I was sitting beside him at this point but I lost my train of thought. I looked over at the TV and saw these hideous looking Monkeys … excuse me … Bonobos. They were engaging in their little … not little … exactly … penis fencing match.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

I'm on one subject, Bobby's on another one entirely … he's just been kicked in the gut! He's still in that same position … those long legs of his, crossed at the ankle, resting on the coffee table. His head is down and lost, arms crossed over his chest. I'm staring at the penis fencing match … it's like a car wreck … you don't really want to watch it, yet you can't take your eyes off of it. I've totally forgotten why I came over here in the first place … this is riveting! They say Bobby is the one with ADD.

"Bobby, are you watching this? I bet their penis's is bigger than yours." … oops … I had too many Martinis.

"Excuse me?"

I start to giggle … I do not giggle!

"What? Is the plural … peni?" … I giggle again. I start staring at his long legs … do you believe that this Bonobo thing has made me hot for my Partner? And he thinks I want a new one … men! I fall over and conveniently land on those lusciously long legs. I hold onto them and continue to watch this fascinating documentary.

_**A virgin queen that survives to adulthood without being killed by her rivals will take a mating flight with a dozen or so male drones (out of tens of thousands eligible bachelors in the colony). But don't call these drones lucky because during mating, their genitals explode and snap off inside the queen!**_

I quickly pick my head up … "Who's genitals snaps off … not the poor Bonobo!"

"No Eames … they've moved on to Honey Bees."

"Oh, thank God!" I've already become attached to those ugly creatures. Bobby manages a chuckle. We still haven't talked about my balance issue. I think he gets that I don't want a new Partner seeing that I'm sprawled across his lap. I feel his hand go through my hair … Oh-my-God!

"Hmm."

He leans over and whispers in my ear … "You don't mind?"

"Uh ah." … I so don't … his hand feels so good … so natural. I grip his legs tighter … we're not talking but I want him to know that I don't ever plan on letting him go … not as a Partner and not like this … however _**this **_is. Liz was right as usual … I wasn't telling her the truth about my feelings about him … or myself for that matter. I knew that I loved him … he's my best friend, _I squeeze him a little tighter, _I didn't know that I couldn't live without him … that I was in love with him. In a round about kind of way, that's what Liz was asking me to do. That's just not possible … I don't think a could breath without him.

_**Female hyenas wear the pants in the family. They're bigger and stronger than the males. And definitely much more aggressive. Heck, they even got balls. Really.**_

"Hey Eames … I think they're talking about you now."

Oh Bobby, Bobby, Bobby … yeah … I've got balls alright! I smack his leg. I feel his body vibrate … I know he's smiling.

_**A female hyena has a pseudopenis, basically an enlarged clitoris, that they can erect at will. To mate, the meeker male has to insert his penis into her pseudopenis. That's difficult for the males, but still nothing compared to the female having to give birth through a penis!**_

"Yup … that would be difficult for me." I laugh … Bobby can be really funny given the right circumstance.

I think Bobby if feeling better about my visit. Maybe he's starting to stand up on that teeter totter or maybe I've gained a few pounds … I _have_ grown some balls apparently.

_**Here's something you probably don't know about Flipper: he has retractable penis. And if that's not cool enough, here's something else: his penis is prehensile. And it swivels. In fact, a male dolphin can use his penis to explore objects just like a hand. **_

"How cool is that!"

"Pretty cool Eames … I wish I had one of those."

"Me too." Those damn Martinis!

_**Male dolphins also have a very strong sex drive. It can mate many, many times in a day. Now here's the bad news: male dolphins aren't that much of a stud. The average time to ejaculation? 12 seconds.**_

"Oh … ah … never mind."

We both start laughing. This damn animal sex porn thing that we're watching is making me so freaking horny … is that sick or what? Now I know why Goren watches these documentaries all the time.

_**For a while, zookeepers had trouble getting pandas raised in captivity to breed. In fact, male and female pandas showed little interest in sex - that is until someone at the Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding and Research Base in Sichuan Province, China, had the bright idea of showing them panda porn!**_

_**Now, when pandas reach adulthood, zookeepers there show them steamy videos of panda sex as part of **__**their initiation rites**__**.**_

Bobby and I both sit up. He drops his feet flat on the floor and sits forward. I did the same … we watched us some Panda porn. So freakin hot! I want my own Panda … Bobby.

I rise and start heading for his door … backwards. Tripping, fumbling, mumbling about getting my balance back … and thanks for the …porn. I want him so bad but it's the wrong time, he knows it, I know it … fuck … that smile … he does know!

"Eames?"

"Yeah Bobby?"

"We're good?"

"So good!"

I make it out to the street and who's there waiting for me … Liz and what do I have on my face … a shit eating grin … why? Because, I am in love with my Partner, he knows it and I know it. My conversation with Liz went something like this …

"I told you so."

"Yes you did! Have you ever seen a penis fencing match?"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**_Thanks for reading and reviewing I very much appreciated all the comments!_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Once again ... for Liz**

**Thank you to all that have put me and my story on your Alert status ... much appreciated! :)**

**__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

_CHAPTER THREE: THE END_

**Animal Porn Nightmares and Coffeemakers on the Blink**

Alex's POV

After my little confrontation with Liz outside of Goren's apartment … apparently she followed me. Told ya she would have made a good cop. She took me home and I collapsed onto my couch. I didn't realize how much I had to drink. When I said "easy on the Vermouth," what did they think I meant? Load it up with some hard core 150 proof something or other … CHRIST! I had nightmares … animal porn nightmares. There were penis "sword" fighting matches and I was the judge. Bees were flying around having exploding genital sex and then there was this line outside of Mann's Chinese Theatre but it wasn't Hollywood's elite, there were Pandas all lined up to see Panda porn … they were paying for tickets with bamboo. All of the sudden, I heard Bobby whisper, "You don't mind?" I bolted upright on the couch! I was alone … damn. My head was hurting pretty good and all I wanted was coffee. I dragged my sorry ass off to the kitchen and went to start making that wonderful nectar of the Gods … my coffee machine was broken. I NEED MY GOD DAMN COFFEE! I heard a soft knock on my front door … that better be the coffee fairy. It kind of was … It was Bobby holding a box of Joe and a bag of some type of breakfast confection in one hand and a bottle of aspirin in the other.

He always did know what I need and when exactly I need it … skittles for example … when I'm bitchy and tired and my blood sugar is low … low and behold a bag of those colorful treats will mysteriously land on my desk … the skittle fairy … Bobby.

"Hey Eames, I thought you could use these. _He shakes the bottle of aspirin … I cringe. _Oops, Sorry."

"Come on in … I could use everything you're holding … coffeemaker's on the blink." I step aside and he heads right for the kitchen. As he walks by me, the smell of the coffee goes wafting up my nose … he bought the good stuff … high-octane!

"How do you feel this morning?"

"Like somebody is playing the congas in my head."

"How much did you have to drink?"

"A lot apparently."

I turn away from him to grab some mugs out of the cupboard … I could feel him staring at me.

"You came by my apartment … do you remember?"

"Oh … I remember … I had nightmares."

I turn back to see him looking down. I placed a mug in front of him and took the aspirin bottle that he had brought and popped it open … he looked up.

"Nightmares?"

"Yeah … I was the judge at a penis fencing match."

"I hope they were Bonobos doing the fencing."

I wanted to say … no it was you and the Captain but even thinking that was too icky … the look on his face would have been worth it.

"Yeah … Bonobos and Honey Bees were flying around with exploding genitalia … then there was a Panda Porn showing at Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood and all these Panda Bears were lined up to go see it … they paid their admission ticket with bamboo. It was like some kind of acid trip."

"Did your sister slip you a roofy or something."

"If she had … you would have been one lucky Panda!"

Well, he was just sipping his coffee when I said that. Needless to say … what went in, came right back out!

"Oh … ah … Jesus, I'm sorry … let me clean that up." He was blushing. In the eight years I've known him … I've never seen him blush. It was adorable.

"It's okay … I shouldn't have said that."

He looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes of his and says …

"But then you wouldn't be you."

I don't know why but I just want to melt. We were meant to be _**us**_. We can say things to each other or we used to be able to and that was okay … we've been walking on a balance beam lately … it's time to get off.

"Bobby, I'm sick of walking on a balance beam with you."

He sighs. "This is why you came over last night?"

"Yes but you distracted me with your animal porn … can't you watch human porn like everyone else?"

"I'd rather be a participant."

There he goes trying to distract me again … I'd like to be a participant too but the fact remains, if he was watching "Debbie Does Dallas," last night … I would have been appalled and left but nooooo, he had to watch animal porn and get me all hot and bothered. Okay, so none of this makes any sense at all but it does to me and that's what's important. I cross my arms and stare at him … he turns up his lip into a little smile.

"Stop that!"

"What? What did I do? Tell me and I'll fix it."

I can't tell him that every little thing he does turns me on …Christ!

"Balance … I need balance."

"What does that mean? Are you going to request a new Partner? Please Alex … things are better … I'm better. I thought we were better. Am I not pulling my weight?"

"Oh please Bobby … even at your worst mental state … you still solved the case. I had no idea that Declan was the one that set you up … you figured that out and you were distraught. I was definitely carrying your water on that case!"

Exasperated … "Eames!"

"No, really … besides … that's not what I mean."

"Then tell me."

"You and I are in love and it's throwing me off balance."

"Oh … is that all?"

I place my elbows on the table and stare at him, he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest like it's no big deal … I want to hurt him now.

"Is that all … IS THAT ALL?" He's laughing at me … not with me … at me.

"You and I are meant to be _off_ balance … we're kinda an off balance balance thing and we love each other … so … yeah … no big deal."

Wait … off balance balance thing? That's just like my unbalanced balance theory … isn't it?

"No big deal? Being in love is a very big deal!"

"Only if we act upon those feelings."

"You don't want to?"

"I don't want to ruin what we have … I love you Eames but I also love our Partnership. I could never work with anybody else."

"Loving each other could be amazing.'

He looks down again … he's blushing again.

"Yeah … amazing."

"I have an idea."

"What?"

"I'll give you a hint … when they couldn't get the Panda's to do it …"

"Eames!"

"What? It was just a suggestion."

"I'm not going to watch Panda Porn again just so you can seduce me."

"Human Porn Bobby … H-U-M-A-N P-O-R-N !"

He put his hands up in what I thought was defeat … I was wrong.

"I don't need porn to make love to you Alex. I just don't want to lose what we have … our friendship is the most important part of my life but … if you insist."

He stood up, came over to my side of the table and lifted me up. I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist … we were staring into each others eyes … I think we were playing a game of chicken for a few minutes but then he kissed me. Oh sweet mother of God … I could taste coffee, croissant, remnants of his morning tooth paste and Bobby … oh sweet mother of God. I squeezed my legs tighter and felt him getting hard … God help Flipper … 12 lousy seconds! I want to stay wrapped around him forever. Our tongues are practically in a knot, his hands are in my hair, my hand are in his hair … we need a bed now! He heads for my bedroom … we pull are mouths off each other to breath and explore other regions … I'm sucking on his ear lobe and asking questions.

"Your genitals aren't going to explode … are they?"

"That's very possible." He whispers back.

"Will your penis snap off inside me?"

"Not sure but I'm willing to find out."

"I can't wait!"

"Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"You didn't see the documentary on the Praying Mantis … did you?"

"No."

"Good."

We finally made it to my bedroom … he gently laid me down on my bed and started to remove my clothes … slowly … torturously. He had a sparkle in his eyes that I've never seen before … I couldn't see my own eyes but I'm pretty sure he was seeing the same thing in mine. Our Partnership did mean everything to me but this love that I saw … meant so much more. He made love to me … we made love to each other. There was no animal lust … pardon the pun … no wild foreplay … pure love making … it was amazing … just like I said it would be.

We stayed wrapped up in each others arms for hours … he stroked my hair … I rubbed his chest . Every so often he would kiss the top of my head and whisper his undying love for me … then we would make love again. I'm pretty sure that animals don't cuddle like this … it's just a way to procreate … with Bobby and I, it's a way to get our balance. If you ever walk into a court room and see the scale of justice … notice that she's blindfolded. Keeping our hands off each other has caused us to be unbalanced or off balance … the scale is balanced now … the blindfold … for us … came off and that's the justice of it.

**____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**_fin. a/n If you don't know anything about the mating habits of the Praying Mantis ... after mating ... the female bites the male's head off! Thanks for reading! Reviews appreciated!! .... Judy:)_**


End file.
